Curriculum Vitae’s are so Last Year

Eyebrows are concrete, not hidden behind metaphors like eyes and lips. They are the truth.

I have one of those over paid jobs in Human Resources. Not Personnel. We stopped using that horrid name for our department back in the nineties. My salary is ridiculous but I am good at finding premier candidates, head hunting the hottest employees, avoiding the lazy and pessimistic.

I don’t even listen to the answers of the interviewee. In five seconds I can tell if they have potential or if they have only dragged themselves out of the dole queue and into my office because of the promise of a juicy salary. A glance of their CV before proceedings is part of the formalities but I like to use the paper for lunchtime doodles. I am more concerned about eyebrow shape, thickness, neatness and how big their tweezer collection compares to mine. People with overgrown fuzz don’t even make it back for the assessment let alone the second interview with the Director. Precise pruning is the golden ticket for the job. I do not even bother checking references when their regimented brows are so seductive. Do not get me started on people who the seedlings for a mono-brow or even have one fully grown. Lets just say the cliché of ‘eyes too close,’ is a saying that would suit them too.

My techniques have been mocked. I even got raised eyebrows from my superiors. I wanted to puke as their caterpillar stumps wiggled in my face. But I knew they secretly worried that they would not pass my high standards. Success is about carrying a set of tweezers in your bag and heading straight for a mirror as soon as your feel a twinge of growth or having your beautician on speed dial.

Mine are waxed, pruned and pencilled on. I don’t want my life being ruled by tufts of hair. A Jpeg of my eyebrows is all I send when applying for a job. A CV or application form would only let me down.

© 2009, Metazen. All rights reserved.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 at 5:24 am