Amazing Moments in History by Patrick Walczy

Monday, February 13, 2012

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804 – “And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.” The quote is partially accurate. It’s true that Alexander wept, but not as a result of what he saw. Rather, it was what he smelled: a booming fart produced by third general Justinian Oregalas. So mighty was the fart, it popped Justinian off his steed. Mass vomiting followed as an easterly wind carried his well-timed push through the ranks of the mighty army. After Alexander wept—for several hours—he ordered swift execution for Justinian and decreed all future farts must take place a three-day horse ride away. Several years later, on his deathbed, Alexander claimed he could still taste the fart. He died frowning.

1215 – Like-minded dissidents and prominent townspeople, gathered clandestinely in a tavern anteroom, were disrupted by the crashing entrance of town drunk, shamed dressmaker and accused chicken fornicator, Kilmus Wheathers. Kilmus and his lack of pants provided much bother to those putting the final marks on a groundbreaking document, a title for which has proven extremely elusive. Suffering intense stomach malaise from a quickly eaten meal of arrows he mistook for beef ribs, Kilmus lifted a leg and blasted a fart heard all the way in the village of Yonsborough, two kilometers south. As the writers derided the drunk and his stench, tossing shoes and stale bread at his head, Kilmus re-roped his pants and said, “That’s what I call a Magnum Fart, ahhh?” The writers were nauseous, but inspired. They had found their title. The Magna Carta was made law two months later.

1863 – In the sleepy town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, the armies of the North and South positioned forces throughout the hill-covered landscape and anticipated the call to arms. Strung loosely around the strategic incline known as Little Round Top waited the 54th from New Jersey, a rag-tag unit comprised of jovial and overfed Italians, easily distinguished by their sleeveless military shirts and jackets. Below the 54th, six thousand Confederates under the command of General AP Hill. But neither side attacked, until that is, Sgt. Guiseppe Nipparillo of the 54th, pushed out a fart witnesses say had been held in for two days, an Italian wartime tradition dating back to the thirteenth century. Nipparillo’s fart lasted two and a half minutes and is still considered the longest in American history. Thinking the cannons had begun their barrage, the Confederates attacked the hill. The battle of Gettysburg began.

1910 – The seventh grade class at Derry Middle School in Atchison, Kansas targeted a shy farm girl, Amelia Earhart, as the crux of their teasing and bullying. Earhart battled a stomach disorder, which caused loud, percussive gas after every meal consumed. Her post-lunch symphonies, typically originating in stall three of the girls’ bathroom, could be heard in the church at the other end of the school. She was nicknamed The Mayor of Brown Town, Little Miss Stinky Butt and the crowning jewel: Amelia Earfart. Class bully, Perry Larbo, told her, after a throw-away-the-underwear performance following a spicy chilidog lunch, “You could fly across the ocean with all the gas coming outta your butt.” The sleight stayed with her and she became obsessed with aviation. In 1935, she became the first person to fly solo from Honolulu to Oakland, occasionally cracking the glass to “air out” the cockpit.

2089 – While downloading an orgasm for his lonely owner, robot Hular X3 Sengnot tried to ease out a fart that had been grinding its way through his operating system ever since his meal at Virtual Taco Bell. Hular misjudged, pushed far too hard and sharted, becoming the first robot ever to do so. He also broke Asimov’s coveted fourth law of robotics, which states, “No robot shall take gamble or chance on the production of gas, as far as pushing and possibly creating solid and wet matter.” Humiliation followed for the robot and his metallic skid marks. Determined to rise above the incident, Hular invented, after years of testing, the robot diaper. His product became standard issue for all residential-based robots living within city limits and humans stopped living in fear.

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Patrick Walczy invented the phrase “we’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow,” later popularized by The Beach Boys in their song “Kokomo.” If you’ve ever used it as a pick-up line, you owe him a dollar. Previous work can be found in Hobart and Untoward.

© 2012, Metazen.

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