Why You Shouldn’t Be A High School Algebra 1 Teacher by Mallory Whitten

Thursday, June 16, 2011

On the first day or school, your class made up of freshmen will be silent

This will lead you to feel uncomfortable and scared at the thought of “the rest of your career”

In your panicked state standing in front of the class, you will tell your students you’re “a pretty easy goin’ guy” and that they dont really need to respect you since you’re just someone they see for an hour or so a day

Your attention shifts to a bead of sweat going down your forehead.

You start to lift up an arm to wipe the sweat only to discover your underarms are soaked


You clench your arms to your sides to prevent any of your students from noticing

mr bish

"mr bish" by mallory whitten

You stare at them

“Do you guys have any questions?”

A chubby African American in the middle of the classroom raises his hand

“How much do you weigh?”

Your favorite classroom appliance is the overhead, but when you turn the lights off to make the projection clear, students go to sleep

You resort to leaving the lights on

~ 2 to 3 times you leave the classroom unattended to get a light bulb because you think the projector has burnt out, but really a student has unplugged it

When you return to the classroom, everyone is out of their seats talking loudly

You wonder if teachers think you have control or authority over your class

During the third week or so of school, there is a knock at your classroom door

When you open the door, no one is there

This happens 2 more times in the same class before you notice 2 girls who you thought were quiet and reserved had been knocking on their desks

Your face turns red and you say “good one…” while trying to smile

You stare blankly at the floor for ~10 to 15 seconds before returning to your lesson

You decide one day to tell your class about how you proposed to your wife

They bring it up at extremely unrelated times and you begin to feel ashamed

You didnt think it was that funny that your wife threw up after you proposed to her at Cedar Point

I mean you had just gotten off a rollercoaster

You begin to resent the class, and the resentment of the class quickly turns into you hating your job

You sweat before it starts, and then once you start worrying about the sweating you sweat even more

The principal sits in on your lesson one day and you sweat so much it drips onto the overhead and when you try to wipe off your face you scratch it accidentily and it bleeds a little bit but only a girl in the front row sees

They are loud, they are immature, they are out of control

One week your sister goes missing and you tell them you need them to cooperate but they dont

They are relentless

The class carries a D average

There is a quiet boy who maintains strait Bs

His mom emails you 2 to 3 times per week with concerns about his academic preformance

You call him out of class one day and tell him you need help

You ask him what you should do

You manage to make him feel uncomfortable

He says he doesn’t know

One day a boy who all the students refer to as “Nardy” tries to help you gain control

“Nardy” singles out the chubby African American who asked you how much you weigh on the first day of school

Nardy tells him to be quiet when he talks during your lesson

The chubby African American calls him a fag

Nardy stands up and starts yelling at the chubby African American

The chubby African American starts to leap at Nardy

You hold out your arms and raise your voice telling them to calm down

People are yelling “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!”

You try to hush them

A teacher you don’t know looks through the window in your door

The girls who simulated the knocks at the door earlier in the year are coughing loudly when you are trying to teach the distributing property

One of them is leaned into the aisle coughing into her bookbag

She starts saying “I don’t feel so..” and then you hear her vomit

You run over and the other girl makes noises like she is supressing laughter

You look and there is no vomit in the bookbag

You hear someone say “he actually ran!” in an amazed tone of voice

People are laughing

You tell the girls loudly that it wasn’t a funny joke, that you thought it was an actual emergency

You start hearing fat jokes at an increasing frequency

You confiscate a rap written about you passing out in the teachers lounge after drinking 40s in a wife-beater

There are pictures drawn of you with sweatmarks under your arms and man boobs

You are silent one day as the kids file into class

You tell them things need to change

You get really emotional and say “you guys think I don’t hear the mean comments, but I do.”

They are quieter for a week or so then things return to normal

Your class takes their final on a Wednesday morning

Their scores are a mixture of D’s F’s and one B

You are asked by the principal to not return the next year

You don’t tell the kids

On the last day of school while you pack up your inspirational quote posters, they take pictures of you with their digital cameras from unflattering angles and laugh

The pictures exist years later on facebook in an album somewhere that you never saw


Mallory Whitten is a girl from Solon, Ohio who writes and maintains a tumblr at http://malloryannwhitten.tumblr.com/

© 2011, Metazen.

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