Ham & Cheese by Chris Okum
My piano is a white noise machine. I play it as loud and as fast as I can for as long as I can. One time I played for almost five days straight without anything to eat. And I didn’t sleep. Or, I think I did. I’m sure I must have taken a power nap or two during the almost five straight days. My mom used to play the piano. She would play and sing and forget about everyone else. Sometimes I had to make my own dinner. Which is probably why I’m lonely and alienated. Look. I sleep in a twin. The weather outside is grim and sentimental. I don’t own a pair of shorts. I stay indoors and I listen to the radio. On the radio people are screaming at each other and I don’t know why. Listening to people scream at each other puts me to sleep. And then it wakes me up. I hate waking up to the sound of two people screaming for no reason. For the rest of the day I’m discombobulated. I forget about the terms of my social relationships and behave in ways that are both disturbing and just plain gross. I don’t want people to think I’m gross. But then again, I don’t really go out of my way to hide it. I’m just too tired. I guess I could brush my teeth. Or shave my forehead. Maybe wash my clothes more than once a month. But I just don’t think I can do it. The system the way it is right now works just fine. I pretend like they really don’t think I’m disgusting if they pretend like they’re just joking when they make subtle indications that maybe I am. But as long as I have enough money for those Czechoslovakian ham and cheese dealyboppers every now and again I’m as happy as any man has a right to be. And I mean that. My life is perfect. I couldn’t be happier. I’m all by myself. I live in a concrete box. The inside of my box can be converted into twenty-four different rooms through a system of rails and dividers. I can masturbate and wash the dishes at the same time. I can make the bed while I’m taking a shit. This place is starting to feel a lot like home.
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Chris Okum lives in Los Angeles. He is married. He has two daughters. And a dog. A small white dog that he found at the ASPCA in Spanish Harlem. It’s a long story. And not very interesting. So let’s get back to the facts. He drives a Honda. It’s been two months since he got his hair cut. He is wearing the same clothes that he wore yesterday. He bought dinner from a taco truck last night. Six beef tacos and a quesadilla. The man standing behind him in line at the taco truck made fun of him when he ordered the quesadilla. Chris said, And a quesadilla, and the man standing behind him said, A quesadilla? He is currently reading The Tactical Reality Dictionary by Konrad Becker and The Mask of Sanity by Hervey Cleckley. He works at an immigration law firm as a Case Writer. He works for Netflix, from home, as a Film Analyst. Last night he had to watch Moonlighting by Jerzy Skowlimowski,. starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy Irons is no longer an A-lister. This is just the way it is, according to Chris.
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