The Wonders of the Human Body by Bradley Sands
“…As the ants crawl toward their meal, they trigger a series of switches, causing a flurry of activity similar to the consequences of booby traps, but resulting in my continuing life rather than my sudden death…”
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If an invasive camera were to enter my body in a world that lacked the urge to do sufficient research on the internet, it would find a Rube Goldberg machine rather than a circulatory system. In this world without a yearning for knowledge, red ants flow through my veins instead of blood, crawling towards my chocolate heart, which is shaped how a heart is supposed to be shaped.
As the ants crawl toward their meal, they trigger a series of switches, causing a flurry of act ivity similar to the consequences of booby traps, but resulting in my continuing life rather than my sudden death…Man, it goes by so fast and it’s really elaborate. All this stuff happens and meets up in the middle somehow and makes me do things like walk and talk. It’s really tough for me to describe the workings of the machine, and I don’t even know who’s in my brain, but I’ll try to give it a shot: one of the switches triggers a paddle to spank a bass drum player, who gives his marching band the cue to start marching, to start playing, and the band members with the brass instruments force air into their trumpets and tubas and flugelhorns, which also forces air into my lungs and gives me the ability to breath. Oh, and did I mention this all takes place in a football stadium?…And then there’s a catapult that’s always filled with tasty treats around meal time. The food gets lobbed over a castle wall, where a dead king’s formerly unemployed food tasters wait with their mouths open, prepared to break down the treats with the same enzyme they used to kill their king. Once the food has been transformed into small molecules, the regicides spit it into a treasure chest, which is connected to an object resembling a gasoline nozzle.
Whenever a slinky slinks down a lighthouse’s steps and reaches the bottom, it collides with the on/off button on a robotic gas station attendant, letting him know it is time to refuel my food molecule tank. And and and the ants release another switch that drops a nuclear bomb on a country that probably doesn’t deserve it, which is located in a particular toilet on No Yearning for Knowledge World. Eventually, the ants reach my chocolate heart and cannot penetrate through its gift wrapping and die from starvation.
Warning: The inside of my body may appear larger than it does from the outside.
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Bradley Sands is the author of My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes and It Came from Below the Belt. He edits Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens.He is fond of slap bracelets and giraffes.
Read our INTERVIEW with Bradley HERE.
© 2010, Metazen. All rights reserved.
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