Gatecrashing Hollywood by Stewart Home

Thursday, February 28, 2013

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I’m Ray ‘The Cat’ Jones. I started my adult life as a professional boxer but gained more fame as a thief to the stars. I robbed Bette Davis, Elizabeth Taylor and Sophia Loren among many others. After I’d retired from my life of crime I lived quietly in east London. When I became sick with cancer my friend Michael Morgan decided someone should make a film about my life. He asked me who should play me in the movie and I told him Michael Flatley.

Morgan had read in the Evening Standard that Michael Flatley was throwing a house-warming party in a five million pound property he’d just bought in London’s Little Venice. He decided we should try to gatecrash it so we could sweet talk this dance celebrity into coming on board our film project, which would make a movie treatment about my life much easier to sell. Thus it was in the summer of 1998 that we headed out on our mission of recruiting Flatley. Morgan had suggested I impress Flatley by going in to his joint over the rooftops. I knocked this on the head by pointing out I was sick with cancer and just wasn’t up to it. Instead Michael and I found ourselves at the front gate talking to security.

“Names?”

“Raymond Jones and Michael Morgan.” I said.

“You’re not on the list.”

“We don’t need to be on the list,” Morgan put in, “this is Michael Flatley’s date with destiny. He’s going to play my friend here, Ray Jones, in a film about cat burglary. It will be the making of Flatley as a star.”

“The making of your friend no doubt, Flatley is already a celebrity.”

“Yes but this will take your boss to the next level.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m psychic.”

“Okay, if you’re psychic, tell me what I’m thinking?”

“You’re thinking you’d like to let us in and that a demonstration of my powers would convince you to do this.”

“Wrong, I’m thinking you should piss off. So you’d better do just that before I lose my temper!”

That was that, we’d blown our chance. Michael should have let me front it out by talking to the security about my life as a fighter and creeper. I’m sure that would have impressed them more and maybe got us in the gate. But it was too late for that, they had us down as a pair of idiots and nothing I said after the ‘psychic’ debacle was gonna be taken seriously enough to change their minds.
________________________________________________________________________________
Stewart Home is an English artist, filmmaker, writer, pamphleteer, art historian, activist, and internationally-acclaimed author. Home’s writings include Pure Manis (Polygon 1989), Defiant Pose (Peter Owen, 1991), Slow Death (Serpent’s Tail, 1996), 69 Things To Do With A Dead Princess (Canongate, 2002), Tainted Love (Virgin Books, 2005), and “Memphis Underground” (Snowbooks, 2007).

© 2013, Metazen.

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